If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
