Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
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