Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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