Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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