Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
