my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My breasts were aching with rage.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
