somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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