You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
