Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
