I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
