I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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