NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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