A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
