i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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