Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
