If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
