You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
