aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
