cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
