the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
