you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
