when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
