You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
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