So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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