I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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