you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
