you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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