all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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