Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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