let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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