Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
