Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
