Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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