You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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