I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
