if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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