i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
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