I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
