You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
