I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
There's always time for handjobs
My liver just had a heart attack.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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