Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
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