so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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