just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
