8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
