He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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