the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Randomize
