in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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