Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You made out with two different species that night
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
