So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
