Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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