Betty ford says i'm here all night
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
