Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
being pregnant is like rehab
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
