so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
