is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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