Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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