I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
